the devils snore

My name is Sam Tyler. In 2008 I was famous for doing a TV Show based on cliches about the past but then I woke up in 1642 and found myself in a TV show based on cliches about the past. Whoa! How did that happen? Am I in a coma, or am I just so wooden it only looks like I'm unconcious? I thought as the show was called the Devils Whore I'd be co-starring with Jacqui Smith but now I find out my screen girlfriend is some mad bird who keeps getting visited by the devil, who obviously has forgotten she isn't Margaret Thatcher in this one. My new gov, Superintendent Cromwell, can be, like, so seventeenth century at times which makes filming in South Africa a bit of a problem. We made the series down here because Micheal Caine told Channel 4 it was a good place to find extras for the battle scenes, and the Zulus are cheap and tick the diversity box on the funding application to head office as well. It's difficult to tell who's on what side in the civil war you know, but when you're a battle-seasoned hardcase like I am, who'll cut both your arms off faster than he can decide which side to wear his fake scar in the morning, you know that you can tell the working class roundhead side by their northern accents, terrible haircuts and impromtu speeches on dialectical materialism over the camp fire although it's more like being in the Students Union at Salford Poly in the eighties than the New Model Army sometimes; at the Battle of Edgehill I didn't know whether I was supposed to kill some royalists or watch The Young Ones, get bladdered and steal a traffic cone. Charlie 'Jock' Stuart, he's the Mister Big that we're investigating. If I can find out why they name a breed of dog after him then maybe I can get back home but they say he has his wealth and privilage by devine right and can never be in the wrong; Jonathan Ross in a floppy hat really, so who knows how this civil war thing will end. They told me this would be groundbreaking drama but so far all I get to do is hang around a dodgy CGI castle like some low rent Manc Clint Eastwood but at least if I hang around long enough they might reprogram 17th century Oxford back into the Hollyoaks set and I can get to see see some really proper acting for a change; never mind the class conflict, that is real class.