river swale

The River Swale here in Richmond looking very fine after a drop or two of rain yesterday

demons and angels

When I heard the news last week that people were paying their tributes to the king of pop I feared that the government had found a way that Dandelion and Burdock could be used by terrorists, possibly by combining it with Iron Bru to make nitro glycerine, or perhaps pouring over railway points to make them too sticky to operate, although that might backfire on the saboteurs by washing away the rust and actually making them work properly, and had ordered all stocks removed from the shelves for use only by the military in dropping on wedding receptions in Afganistan. I was still quite sad to discover they were referring to Michael Jackson though, who certainly seemed to have a lot of London newspaper colomnists who knew all of the personal thoughts and demons of a fellow from California they'd seen in a music video in the eighties. Not being endowed with the power of telepathic insight I just tried to think back to when I was young, black and gifted but sadly couldn't remember ever being any of those things, and nowadays would more likely be mistaken for one of the zombies in the thriller video than the man himself, and that just made me feel even worse.


In other showbusiness news original Charlie's Angel Farah Fawcett also left us. Mrs Clewley reminded me of one of the other first angels when we met, more specifically the one who never took her clothes off in the show. That was a regret back then, but should be seen as more of a blessing nowadays. I heard somebody say something to the effect that when someone we had in poster form on our bedroom wall in our youth dies then a bit of our own youth fades a little too. This is something we all share and as I felt last week so even Gordon Brown, often depicted as lacking human warmth, will feel when Kim Jong Il finally shuffles off this mortal coil and the world of unelected hereditary tin pot dictators gets a little bit smaller. Gordon Brown does claim that his own North Korea style authoritarianism at home and military threats abroad are in pursuit of democracy and not in ensuring that his own future earnings on the US lecture circuit match his predecessor's however the speed with which someone's light hearted swipe at the influence the Ministry of Defence have on the local affairs of this district vanished from the Richmond website message board last week at the demand of Richmondshire District Council suggests that unless Afghanistan is getting rather more democracy than we're getting at home it's probably best to give stunts like yesterday's 'Armed Forces Day' the wide berth they deserve and stay in, make a cup of tea, and wistfully click one more time on 'One day in your life' on youtube instead.

election results

We had our county council elections yesterday here in North Yorkshire and we here in Richmond, where we have always been less willing to blindly follow bandwagons than other places, have voted Liberal Democrat 1511 votes, Conservative 1,025 and Labour 148. If these results were replicated at the general election this would give Gordon Brown 35 seats in parliament, David Cameron 247 and Nick Clegg 364 seats. If that doesn't cheer you up then put the figures from Catterick Bridge next door in your swingometer; Labour got 62 votes there, or less than 3%. I shall be wondering who those 148 people are now although I suppose without announcing a giveaway of free porn in the market place to bring them all out in the open we'll never know for sure who the lefties among us really are so whenever I see someone with a drooping jaw and eyes that look in different directions shuffling around uttering delusional ramblings about their 'visions' I won't know whether they are a socialist or merely innocently deranged. Either way, when you pass them in the street keep your children close.

Transporter

Middlesbrough's transporter bridge on the Port Clarence side, the crossing of the River Tees which may not be the oldest but which is the furthest downstream, the most blue, the one you can see from furthest away and the one for which you have to wait longest for the bridge to come back to your side of the river when you want to go across. Standing since 1911 but perhaps most famously portrayed as being incomprehensibly dismantled in the equally incomprehensibly commissioned sequel to Auf Weidersehn Pet and also of course carrying Billy Elliot on the way to his Royal ballet audition from Easington to Newcastle, both of which towns lie some way to the north of the Tees. In the sequel to That film Billy Elliot retires from dancing and programs sat-navs to a soundtrack of Gary Glitter hits. That one hasn't been made into a stage version yet which is why you probably haven't heard of it.

sibling rivalry

Now look here chaps from the BNP your ideas just aren't on
It’s not the immigrants we hate; it’s the gays that we want gone
Though men of many colours can live in peace and love and hope
They should hang from my cathedral if they have sex with a bloke

Yes never harm a chap who’s brown, that is our insistence
But slot him straight away if he’s the Taliban resistance
Your policies will only cause us conflict and division
But don’t you awful fellows know that is the church’s mission?

As for politicians, in a glasshouse don't throw stones
It is holy for a taxpayer to fund their second homes
MPs are only human; don't show them any malice
Who among us could survive without a second palace?

Your suits are cheap, your manner gruff, your hair is such a mess
A chap shouldn’t be in politics without a gold hat and a dress
No, people shouldn’t vote for you and your ungodly hoards
They should damn well bow to me as I walk on water to the Lords

Towards this nationalistic trend there musn't be a lurch
And I speak for everyone here at the British National Church
You're not based in reality you chaps on the far right
And I know this quite for certain; Jesus told me so last night

This town just ain’t big enough for both our 'obias and ‘isms
And I’ve got too much on; bashing queers, stopping schisms
If you carry on like this in rivers of blood we will be swimmin’
And then which of us is going to stop those bloody awful wimmin!

Thankyou to the Archbishop of Canterbury for sending that in

The Claimers

When you go will you send back
A letter from Edinburgh
On your thieving you can look back
From your suite at the Saughton Ramada

We Can’t afford ya no more
The motherland’s too poor
John Lewis list no more
Free Sky no more


When you go will you send back
A letter from Edinburgh
I pray you never come back
though for you each day here was Christmas, Eid and Haneka

Helmand no more
Omagh no more
Russell Square no more
Stockwell no more

I’ve looked at the commotion
Tried hard to imagine
If anyone has ever so completely failed
Or gave less of a toss in Westminster

So many without work, without pay
I spent the evening thinking about
All the blood that flows your way
The disenfranchised and homeless you never gave a chance
I wonder how you can call this the promised land?

When you go will you send back
A letter from Edinburgh
And if you don't pay the money back
We'll send Cumberland up there to warn ya

John Lewis list no more
Free Sky no more
Labour no more
Socialism no more...

Expenses Rebuttal Barbie

The House of Common has been so deluged with calls and emails they've brought out an official Brown Babe Expenses Allegations Rebuttal Barbie to send out to journalists seeking explanations of MPs' dodgy expense claims. As accredited lobby journalists we at Arthur Clewley's Diary have just received ours' so let's pull the talk cord in Barbie's back and see what she has to say:

MPs can only properly lecture citizens on tax avoidance if they don't have to pay tax themselves on their property deals which have been funded by other people's taxes

Why do I as the proud MP for Luton need a house 100 miles away in Southampton? You've never been to Luton, have you?

Phil Woolas Barbie, would you mind buying my tampax for me? it would be too embarassing if it appeared on my own expenses claim. Check with Joanna Lumley that's it's OK first.

Do you really think a government minister should have to put up with that ceiling? I know we in the Labour Party have made the country bankrupt again but artex would be taking that whole seventies thing just too far

We politicians are not quite as corrrupt as in some other countries, although I'll have to get back to you as to which countries those are specifically

If I couldn't claim for my husband's porno videos I might have to have sex with him myself and I can't screw the country and my husband as well.

We need more women in politics, just as soon as the IMF agree to lend us the money to pay their interior decorating bills

I want to be a princess giggle giggle

Gordon Brown's favourite Berlusconi bimbo Barbie Caroline Flint modeling the posh frock she bought with the money saved by making the rest of us pay the stamp duty tax on her new house